Tuesday 19 December 2017

ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI: SISI BONSUE AND EVIL SPIRIT


By Femi Abulude
Sola gentle is the owner of our drinking joint at Keth in the olden days. We called her
Sola gentle in her presence but when she was not within hearing shot, we called her Sola mental! She was very erratic. You could never predict her next move.

A friend, Kola, was befriending her. She was the one who openly told our friend that she liked him. That was how they started this amorous relationship. They went out together one weekend and became sworn enemies thereafter. When we asked Kola, what went wrong, he lamented that he could not really explained what happened. He said Sola just started throwing tantrums without any reason. All our efforts to settle the quarrel failed woefully.

When Sola introduced a friend of hers to me, I had my reservations. My opinion was the age long saying that “Show me your friend and I will tell you your character.” She was fondly called Sisi Bonsue, she was beautiful and caught my fancy. We were told that her finance died few weeks to their wedding ceremony and since then, she had not got any stable affairs. I decided to give her a trial. If you like, call me “Oloju ko mun o lo” (Womanizer). Sisi Bonsue was loving and caring, she was buying gifts for me. When last did a lady buy gift for Faari?. That was in the era of Dayo Falade, Bola For Sure and Iya Obokun. The rest were Iya Kalokalo!  They were out to milk me dry; the worst was Mercy Ogbodu.

The merry-go-round was not for long. It seemed evil spirit was following her, several terrible things started happening that I had to follow a friend to the prayer mountain to ward off the seemingly evil spirit.

The plane Sisi Bonsue and I boarded to Abuja on a weekend trip narrowly escaped crash landing. As if that was not enough, the taxi that was carrying us to the hotel got burnt after passing the Abuja National Stadium. That same night some dare devil armed robbers visited our hotel and dealt with all the occupants mercilessly.

When I got to Lagos, a query was waiting for me for missing a very important news story of national importance. It look the grace of God before I could be left off the look, I could have lost my job.

These were the reasons behind my striking Bonsue out of my system then.

 

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY, AIDS IS REAL!         

POLITICS: MADU, SEUN AND STABILIZER


By Femi Abulude
There is this vibrant middle aged guy of Igbo extraction in my neighbourhood. His name is Maduabuchi but we fondly call him Madu. He is into electronics merchandise at Idumota Market in Lagos Island. He even claimed he has another branch at Alaba International Market along Badagry expressway, in Lagos. Madu is always ready to deliver electronics appliances and electrical wires at cheaper rates to willing residents.

Madu has also caught the Biafra bug. His voice was always the loudest among his peers whenever they were discussing national issues. Understandably, he always defended the Biafra course.

The following discussion took place between Madu and one of his friends Seun recently.

MADU:     Oga Seun, is it true that if we succeeded in this Biafra mandate, all the Igbos in Lagos would go home?

SEUN:       Madu, I am afraid, it would not only be in Lagos but throughout Nigeria. That is the home truth.

MADU:     What would then happen to my property here and my shops at Idumota and Alaba?

SEUN:       You may have to leave them or sell them. If you don’t want to do these, you may decide to carry them along with you.

MADU:     Carry them to where, Oga Seun?

SEUN:       To your village of course!

MADU:     You can’t be serious Oga Seun. Is it possible to carry house? Is it also true that I’ll have to obtain visa to come back to Nigeria?

SEUN:       Madu don’t put me in trouble. Is it possible for you to travel to another country without obtaining visa?

MADU:     So Nigeria would now become another country if we achieved Biafra?

SEUN:       Madu, provide the answer yourself. Please let us put an end to this discussion. I am no longer comfortable with it. How much is a set of stabilizer? I need a new one for my computer.

MADU:     Oga Seun you are dodging my question.

SEUN:       Madu, me, I no know book!” When you are going to Idumota tomorrow call on me, so that you can collect the money for the stabilizer. I need it urgently.

MADU:     I get your message Oga Seun. We really need to stabilize this our country, Nigeria…

MADU:     (sings) This Nigeria na we own make he no pafuka…

JUST ONE SHOT!


By Femi Abulude
There was not much for me to do in the office on that day, being the last working day of the week and of the month I hit the road. Surprisingly too, the road was free of the usual traffic jam. It was therefore an easy ride home listening to my favourite music.

I was about 500 metres to the bus stop that branched to my house when I sighted this pretty lady at the bus stop. Before I could get to her, she had started flagging me down. I slowed down my vehicle and rolled down the side glass. I packed beside her. She begged for a lift and I signaled for her to enter. She did and that was the genesis of my predicament.

After the initial pleasantries, where she said she was going was about two bus - stops after my own. I offered to drop her there. Her next statement startled me. “Don’t tell me you are going home straight. What would a young man like you be doing at home at this time of the day? Helping madam with household chores? “She teased”.

I stole a glance at her beside me. This girl really has guts I thought.

“Come of it, men like you should have a social club to retire to at the end of a day work” she continued. “If you don’t mind a friend of mine has a small drinking joint down the road. We can branch there and get to know each other better. “This lady was un-usually too forward” I mused. Curiosity took the better of me. I followed her like a walking zombie. Her name was Nkiru.

When we got to her friends place, it came out to be a Beer Parlour. But unfortunately, the place was not too far away from the shop of one of the elders of our church. After settling down, I told Nkiru this. She called her friend whom I later knew was called Mama Asuquo and discussed briefly with her. She came back and said Mama Asuquo would follow me to the fuel filling station near the joint. This was where I packed my car. When I came back, they had re - arranged our sitting position.

Mama Asuquo served us drinks and pepper soup. Nkiru topped her own with Nkwobi. This lady could drink. Within a spate of one hour, she had drunk three bottles of big stouts. She disclosed that she was a single mother of two. She worked as a secretary in a factory but presently she was jobless.

She confessed she was befriending her expatriate boss, who was taking proper care of her. When the man went back to his country, a black man took over from him. This man who was privy to the relationship between her and the Indian lover man wanted them to start a relationship as well. This she refused vehemently. Since that time, she knew no peace in that place. He eventually sacked her on flimsy excuse of inflating the cost of an electric kettle she was asked to buy. Her immediate problem was how to solve her house rent which would due in few days time. “Ah! This lady can talk!” I thought. My warning signal kept on beeping but I refused to listen.

When it was getting dark she suggested we change our location. The next port of call was a hotel. By this time I was a getting tipsy. One thing led to the other and I slept with her. Nkiru was a maniac on bed. I got clumsy as everything was moving too fast for me. When we were going, I gave her N10, 000 ( Ten thousand Naira only). She accepted it, thanked me and told me not forget the house rent she said was N150, 000. I was silently praying that the cup should quickly pass over me. I would run away from Nkiru, she would never see me again. We parted.

How wrong I was! Nkiru refused to go. She started calling me on phone. When she realized my intension was to dump her, she started sending text messages even at odd times. My wife started getting suspicious, but I parried all her insinuations.

Unknown to me, Nkiru had traced me to my church member’s shop. She had spilled the bean to this elderly man. The man called me on phone and said there was a serious issue he would like to discuss with me. I almost fainted. I plucked up courage and went to the man. He went straight to the point. He expressed his disappointment at my indiscression. He explained what Nkiru told him. He said her types are home breakers whom responsible men should always steer clear of. He advised that I should settle her because she had become very desperate.

That was how I had to eat the humble pie and call Nkiru. I begged her. She hit her roof and started calling me names; threatening hell and brimstone. After much begging and persuasion she agreed to take N50, 000.

Few months later, I started feeling some burning sensation all over my body. My wife also complained about the same symptoms. When we could no longer mange it again, we decided to consult our family doctors.

He conducted series of tests and told us to come back for the results. The doctor later confirmed that we were suffering from syphilis.

Spontaneously, my wife and I chorused, “WHAT!” the doctor repeated “Syphilis!” my wife asked “How?” I could not ask the same question. It was definitely through my unprotected coital relationship with Nkiru.

A shot at Nkiru had landed me and my wife in fatal trouble. Who knows if the children are safe too? My wife’s question; “HOW?” kept echoing in my brain. How? How? How?