ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI AN ENCOUNTER WITH AN ILLITERATE BEAUTY

By Femi Abulude

      

  I met this charming beautiful lady in a bank recently. She was tall and light in complexion.she dressed as if she was going for a ceremony . this surprised me because it was a Monday morning. Another surprise was her facial make-up and perfume which were excessive.

       She approached me and requested for my pen which I was using to fill my teller. She waited until I finished and I handed over the pen to her. The way she held the pen amused me and this drew my curiousity. After illegible scribbling and crossing out, she moved closer to me and whispered

           “Edakun, kinni sipelin tati tausan?” meaning “ please, how do I spell thirty thousand?”

 When she saw my amazement,she quickly added  “Arabinrin ti mon ba mi fili re o wa sibi ise loni, e joo e ba mi fili re” meaning  “ Can you please help me fill the forms, the lady that always assisted me is not on duty today.”

      I collected the forms and pen from her out of pity and assisted her as she requested. She did not stop at thirty thousand naira, she transferred over two hundred and fifty thousand naira to various accounts. When we were through, she gave me an appreciative smile revealing the white set of teeth I have ever seen. She introduced herself as Adunni Alaso asiko, a textile dealer. She opened her purse and offered me her card. I was still appreciating her beauty when she opened the bank door and walked towards the car park. I could still see her through the glass wall.

         Adunni approached a brown colour Toyota Venza car, opened the door and drove out of the bank premises.

          There is a disconnect somewhere. Adunni is rich but illiterate. What happened? Didn’t she go to school? I looked at the card she gave me and quickly saved her number on my phone. I must see this lady again.

BAHAVE RESPONSIBLY; AIDS IS REAL

ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI : ALHAJA KUNBI; NARROW ESCAPE!

You have been inundated with several of my escapades and adventures when I was in the world. A lady fan had sent her experience in her youth days. Carry go!.

My name is Alhaja Kunbi. I am one of the numerous wives of Alhaji Kobiowu, a retired customs officer. As at then, we were all staying in the same town with him outside Lagos. He had a guest house in a remote part of the present day Shangisha. Alhaji Kobiowu is now late, may his soul rest in peace. There was this particular friend of mine that Alhaji had known in his days as customs officer. Her name was Dupe; he claimed the lady was a convicted smuggler. He warned me seriously to distance myself from her. This was a tall order, how could I distance myself from Dupe? We grew up together and went through the adolescent and juvenile escapades.

There was a snag in my marital union with the Alhaji, he was older than me with about thirty years. This age difference did not help matters. He was too reserved and conservative for my liking. He was the old school type. I had two children for him then and we did not lack anything.

While living with the Alhaji was drab and colourless, there was no single dull moment with Dupe Peperempe! That was why I craved her company.

Along the line, Dupe was having her birthday in Lagos. We planned this show stopper of a party together. I did not inform my husband but told him I had some very important business to transact in Lagos. I collected the key of our guest house from him. Immediately I hit Lagos, I went straight to Dupe’s house at Gbagada area of the city. She was already expecting me; I changed into the special attire chosen for the party. We rocked the party till the wee hours of the morning.

I arrived back at our guest louse at about 8:00 am the following morning. What I saw on the door almost made me fainted. Alhaji had already been there, what I was not sure of was whether he slept there or not. This was what he wrote and pinned on the door.                                   Onirin aare lese (wayward woman)

                                    I hope you have a cogent reason for this act. Signed.

In my panicked state I rushed back to Dupe. This was before the advent of mobile phone. After listening to my explanation, she advised me on what to do.

I rushed to our family doctor and explained my plight to him. I did not hide anything from him. He scolded me though, after some amount had exchanged hands, he promised to play ball. He was the one who called Alhaji on land phone and told him that I was rushed to his clinic the previous evening suffering from acute stomach ache. Alhaji swallowed this lie line, hook and sinker.

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY, AIDS IS REAL!

ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI: JULIE NA BAD LUCK

I enjoy all your comments o jare without any apology, I am me. I can’t just pretend to be somebody else. Most people out there are pretenders. They do and commit unprintable atrocities and pretend as if nothing has taken place.

You can’t compare me with my boss with due respect, he is a complete gentleman o!Me, I dey for town well-well. If you like call me Mr Pentagon. Some busy bodies called my boss Adetutu at his back. Please don’t let him hear o. He is cool and calculating. That is where it ends. I’ll give you more gists about that man later.

There was this young lady, Julie Keke (Julie for short) who has interest in my boss. He rebuffed all her entreaties and started preaching the gospel to her. When she realized that she could not penetrate him, she switched her interest to me. Faari, a fe arugbo tewu-tewu, agban’ya agba bi eni gbon’wu. Omo Amao Onikoko nidi agbon!

Fast, fast, I read her loud and clear. Before you could say Akanni Aro I have taken her to Galilee, Nazareth and Jericho thrice! Bo!

The three outings were terrible; on the first occasion, I had a burst tyre on our way back and my car ended up in a ditch. The second time, armed robbers pursued us, the tell tale marks of their bullet holes are still on my car up till now. The final straw was that on our last outing, vehicle Inspection officers arrested me and impounded my car for a broken pointer and faulty break light.

Without being told, I told myself enough was enough! I started dodging Julie. I eventually deleted her and her bad legs from my list.

You can see some of the evil things these men of God always miss. Their shield is their righteousness. Please don’t tell my boss my experience o, He would gleefully say “God don catch me”.

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; AIDS IS REAL!