ADVANTURES OF MR FAARI: WHAT GOES ROUND…

Two popular sayings hit me so hard recently. One was Everyday for the thief, only a day for the owner. The other one was What goes round comes round. The real implications of these aphorisms dawn on me, in a hard way. A friend who is a top military brass had just been promoted. Friends of several years thought this was an avenue for us to get together, therefore a party was organized in his honor. The venue was his home town, which has a state university. The advance party, that is, some of our friends who went earlier had arranged some female undergraduates. These young girls acted as their “wrappers” if you know what I mean. Patto and I got to the town very late, because I had to settle my sister in the nearby school. The head of the “comfort” team, a beautiful young lady promised us that our own girls had been sought for from the nearby university town. The girls were late in coming. When they eventually came, we had all settled in our various rooms. I suddenly had this knock on my door, but I was already in the bathroom. I heard the door opened and the head girl was giving  a girl instructions to be of good conduct. The door jammed and there was silence. I hurriedly finished my bath and opened the toilet door. Behold there was this beautiful girl of about eighteen years old sprawling on the bed in total nudity. I moved closer to her. Was I seeing double? Was I dreaming? It was Romoke! Eemo re o ! Abomination! You want to know Romoke ? Romoke was my sister I gave money to few hours ago in her school! Aaah ! Faari, ti e ba o  !!!        

ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI: JULIE NA BAD LUCK

I enjoy all your comments o jare without any apology, I am me. I can’t just pretend to be somebody else. Most people out there are pretenders. They do and commit unprintable atrocities and pretend as if nothing has taken place.

You can’t compare me with my boss with due respect, he is a complete gentleman o!Me, I dey for town well-well. If you like call me Mr Pentagon. Some busy bodies called my boss Adetutu at his back. Please don’t let him hear o. He is cool and calculating. That is where it ends. I’ll give you more gists about that man later.

There was this young lady, Julie Keke (Julie for short) who has interest in my boss. He rebuffed all her entreaties and started preaching the gospel to her. When she realized that she could not penetrate him, she switched her interest to me. Faari, a fe arugbo tewu-tewu, agban’ya agba bi eni gbon’wu. Omo Amao Onikoko nidi agbon!

Fast, fast, I read her loud and clear. Before you could say Akanni Aro I have taken her to Galilee, Nazareth and Jericho thrice! Bo!

The three outings were terrible; on the first occasion, I had a burst tyre on our way back and my car ended up in a ditch. The second time, armed robbers pursued us, the tell tale marks of their bullet holes are still on my car up till now. The final straw was that on our last outing, vehicle Inspection officers arrested me and impounded my car for a broken pointer and faulty break light.

Without being told, I told myself enough was enough! I started dodging Julie. I eventually deleted her and her bad legs from my list.

You can see some of the evil things these men of God always miss. Their shield is their righteousness. Please don’t tell my boss my experience o, He would gleefully say “God don catch me”.

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; AIDS IS REAL!

ADVENTURES OF MR. FAARI I’M SEARCHING O!

I thank all my admirers. I appreciate those that their interests were more than mere admiration. I also appreciate your condolences on the demise of Bola. “Na so life be!” Some other friends complained that I was too harsh on her. The two Rashidats mentioned had declared me personal non granta in their state. This job na wah o!

Like the Yoruba would say “Ti iku ban pa ojugba eni, Owe lo npa fun ni”. I have learnt one or two lessons from Bola’s death. One is self control over one’s temper and the other is the evil of promiscuity.

I have agreed with my boss to get married as soon as possible, when some busy bodies in our office told him that some ladies were tempting me again, this was how he reacted in Yoruba.

“A ni ka je ekuru ko tan, awon kan tun ngbon owo re sawo!”

You don’t understand that one? You better go and learn Yoruba language. What he meant was that you people are encouraging me to stay unmarried.

Don’t worry, he has given his mandate, I have equally given him my simple conditions too. My request was that if he could help me get any of the ladies posted here, I would settle down fast, fast. You too are not left out in the search o! For easy identification, I have given them names; “Olajimbiti,” is in T – Shirt while the bicycle rider is “Labidi – Kenke!” I wish you all a successful search.

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; AIDS IS REAL

ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI: ADIEU “BOLA FOR SURE”

I am in a mourning mood. I got the sad news of untimely demise of one of my long time ladies few weeks ago. It was Rashidat that first called me. I did not believe her because both of them were arch rivals. It was not Rashidat Deen o! It was Rashidat Owoh.

Bola was introduced to me some years ago by one of our social aunties fondly called “City Mama”. Bola was a popular hairdresser in one of the state capitals around us. She and the two Rashidats always kept my company whenever I visited that state; it depended on whom I saw first.

Our first outing left a sour taste in the mouth, though she eventually made up the disappointment. It was at one of City Mama’s friend’s birthday party. The ceremony was in the top gear when this motor-cade blearing siren disrupted the gathering. The vehicles grounded to an abrupt halt and a young man jumped out of the SUV vehicle and ran to the celebrant where she seated. She stood up and embraced him. He gave her a peck and handed her a bulky envelope. I later on learnt that he was the cousin of the celebrant.

“Sister, I won’t stay long o! We have to go back to Lagos tonight.” He shouted. He looked around and saw Bola. He beckoned at her. She ran to him. He whispered something to her and both of them rose. To my chagrin, Bola followed him and the convoy left noisily the way they came. I felt empty. I was boiling all over. The wine I was sipping became tasteless in my mouth.

About two hours later, Bola emerged from nowhere and sat quietly beside me. Her defence was

“Faari, don’t be annoyed, Omo-Oye was my boyfriend right from our secondary school days. You see refusing to answer him in public like that would be an insult. The guy has just come back from the United States and he is seeking an elective post. I’m even one of his campaign agents here” she kept on defending herself.

Another disappointing scene was when I went to that city on an important appointment with a top state functionary. After arranging for the next day, I called at Bola’s Salon. She was happy to see me. She arranged for my feeding and booked hotel accommodation for me. She went back to her shop and promised to call again in the evening. That was the last I saw of Bola o.

It was like “waiting for Godot!” If you have not read that book go and read it. When it was about 11pm and I did not see Bola, I started calling her number. She had switched off her phone. I slept alone that night. I woke up early, needless telling you that I did not enjoy my sleep. I was afraid what could have happened to Bola? Did armed robbers attack her on her way? Various thoughts kept coming to my mind.

I decided to check on her on my way to the state’s secretariat. There I learnt she did not sleep at home. My appointment with the commissioner was for 8.00 0’clock and I was to travel with him to Abuja that morning. It was from Abuja that I went back to Lagos. Bola called me later in the week and started apologizing and giving excuses. I was not fooled. She was otherwise engaged and did not want me to see other alternatives.

You can now understand my feelings when I heard that she died in a ghastly auto crash. I was curious, therefore I instructed our Bureau Chief in that State to investigate the circumstances that led to her death.

According to his reports, Bola in her characteristic manner followed one of her men to a drinking joint in the outskirts of the town. They were in the middle of enjoyment when this pretty young girl entered the hall. She was this man’s girlfriend. The girl was hesitant at first, but the man beckoned at her and asked her to sit on his laps. Bola was furious. I knew her to be of terrible temper. Bola was a stammerer! She picked her cup and that of the man with both hands and poured the contents on the duo.

She picked the man’s bunch of keys on the table and stormed out. She ran to the car park, entered the man’s car and sped off. Few minutes later, she ran the car into a stationary truck in the road with full speed. Bola died instantly!

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; LIFE IS SHORT!

ADVENTURES OF MR. FAARI: TONIA HAS COME FOR RETURN LEG

Guess who came calling last weekend? It was Tonia. You don’t know Tonia? Are you that forgetful? She was the girl we picked at Ekpoma on our way to Agbor! Tonia came to Lagos live and direct and as usual I did not disappoint her.

When the receptionist buzzed me that I had a visitor in her Office and that her name was Tonia. I knew I had to cancel all other engagements I had for that weekend. I instructed her to send her in.

She burst in like a rocket and started accusing me of not phoning her or picking her calls.

“You Lagos guys are all the same. You could not call me and when I called, you refused to pick my calls. Well if your mountain refused to come to my Mohammed, My Mohammed has decided to come to your mountain”. She concluded I could not even say a word. I was thinking of the birthday party I had for that evening. I apologized for my inability to call her and informed her of the party I had that evening. My earlier intention was to go to the party from the office but because of Tonia, I had to go home so that she could fresh up and change to more decent clothes.

Tonia’s presence in my office has really destabilized me. I could not concentrate again. She was feeding on me with her eyes and checking on her wrist watch intermittently. Why the hurry? You’ll ask.

Immediately I finish the file on my table, I left the office with Tonia. When we got home, I did not bargain for what I saw, my intention was for both of us to fresh up, change our dresses and go for the party. It was meant to be a cock tail affair among few friends.

“Faari, (that was Tonia calling me) we are not attending any party. We are having our own party here. You should also inform your other girls to steer clear of this house until Monday. My dear, you are under house arrest!”

I opened my mouth, I could not close it, When I regained my speech, I said “Tonia, what you are doing is tantamount to kidnap, are you from the South – South? “Call it what you like lover boy; If you like call me a militant!” She fired back.

A song came to my mind and I started humming it:

“Efrebor, Efrebor you go…”

Don’t tell me you don’t know that song.

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; AIDS IS REAL.

ADVENTURES OF MR. FAARI: EKPOMA EN – ROUTE AGBOR!

You are looking at me; you will not help me pray against these temptations. Don’t leave the preaching and praying to my Oga alone. The flesh is weak o!

Apart from women, another past time that I enjoy is travelling, therefore when Ekele, my friend, invited me to a party at Agbor in Delta State, I accepted the invitation enthusiastically.

Ekele has just bought a new car. I hope you understand what I mean. I don’t mean the “tear – rubber” type of car. How many people can afford that now? What I am talking about is the fairly used one, fondly refers to as “Tokunbo”. We therefore decided to set out in this car.

Having settled the issue of transportation, I asked Ekele if I could invite one of my girl friends in Lagos or better still phone the one in Benin to prepare for us. Ekele said I should not bother myself as he had already arranged for us at Ekpoma in Edo State. The idea sounded nice as I have never been to that University town.

When we got to Ekpoma, we drove straight to Chichi’s house. Chichi was Ekele’s girl friend. He had talked fondly of this girl on our way, therefore when I saw her, I knew without being told that she must be Chichi. She fitted into what Ekele had described. Chichi was very pretty and accommodating.

She too had prepared for us because it did not take her much time before she picked her bag and led us out of her room. As we were entering the car, I drew Ekele aside and reminded him of his earlier promise. Despite my whispering, Chichi heard me and said I should exercise patience as she had arranged a friend of hers and the girl was already waiting for us. We took off.

As we were negotiating a bend that led to the main road, I sighted a beautiful girl who mounted on a commercial motorcycle. The rider was speeding away at the opposite direction. The girl was big and dark “Boy o’ boy, I like this girl!” I did not know how the words escaped from my mouth.

Chichi turned to me at the back of the car and asked if I preferred the girl. I answered in affirmative, she asked Ekele to turn the car and pursue the motorcycle rider, when we caught up with him, we told him to park. The boy panicked but the girl saw Chichi and asked; “Chichi love, are you still in town? “I learnt you were travelling this weekend”. As she asked this question Chichi told her to alight from the bike. She alighted and paid the rider.

“Tonia, you have to go back home and pick your bag. We shall be going to Agbor together”. Chichi ordered her. Tonia did not object. She opened the door and entered the car and sat beside me.

Before we left Ekpoma, Tonia and I were chatting as if we had known each other for years. Ekele and Chichi sat in front and Tonia and I sat at the back. She was naturally endowed at vital regions; my friends know this is my weakness.

When we got to Agbor on Friday evening, we checked into our hotel room and we didn’t open our door until 11:00am the following day. The sound of someone knocking at the door brought us into reality. I jumped out of the bed asked who it was. It was Chichi. I opened the door for her. She greeted us and asked amusively if I took proper care of her friend. Egbo, who took care of whom?

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; AID IS REAL

Adventures of Mr Fari : MOSHES’S SECOND COMING

By Femi Abulude

I appreciate you all! I did not know that my fans could catch up with me like that. Just one

appearance online and all eyes are focused on Faari. That sister in the U.K,  Ajet in the U.S.A, Gbabee in Ogijo etc. I love you all. Big Uncle Lekan, I will take to your elderly advice of caution. God bless you all.

Talking about God, my boss has invited me to his church programme. He has also advised me to get married as soon as possible. I am giving this advice a serious consideration. What surprised is that temptations now come from all angles!

Can you imagine who called me on phone last week? It was Moshekola, Moshe for short. She was my former campus girl whom I used to visit at Queen Amina Hall few years ago. She was beautiful and always willing according to her name. I lost touch with her after her final examinations. She was posted to one of the villages in the Northern part of the country for her Mandatory National Service. That was the last time I heard of her.

A call was passed to me by the Secretary. She said the caller was Moshe. I told her to connect me with her. The voice was Moshe’s quite all right. She asked me to describe the location of my office which I did in a jiffy. We exchanged pleasantries and hung up.

Guess whom I saw the following day. It was Moshe live and direct. She had put on more weight and she looked more beautiful. She explained how she met her husband at Kaduna.

The guy worked with an insurance company and doubled as a pastor. Immediately I had the word Pastor. I put any amorous thought out of my mind. I presumed that as a pastor’s wife, Moshe too should be a born again Christian as my boss had been preaching to me recently. How wrong I was?

Moshe kept coming to my office. The persistent visits were getting on my nerves. I noticed that whenever we mentioned anything about her husband, she would parry it aside and jumped on another topic

 This last Friday, Moshe came visiting again during the office hours. As she was settling down, my Secretary reminded me of the editorial meeting scheduled for that afternoon. Moshe had to go.

I apologized to her and she left. We were just settling down for the meeting when my phone rang. I picked it, it was Moshe.

“Faari, what has become of you? The Faari I met now is quit different from the one I left when I went for the National Service. If you have not been told, you’ve lost your bite. I’ve visited you four times; you’ve not made a single move! Don’t you find me delectable again? Have you also become like Pastor Luke?” She went on and on.

Moshe further explained that her husband, Luke was always looking at her without performing his duties.

What type of temptation is this? How do I handle this Moshe’s second coming? Please help me now!

Adventures of Mr Fari : FARI ON BOARD!

By Femi Abulude

My Name is Mr Fari l won’t let you know more than that about my identity. As you would soon realise as events unfold, I’m a fun seeker and I like to enjoy life to the fullest.

If you had been following the hard copy of AFFECTION magazine, Mr Fari would not be strange to you. No pretence about it. My own column is an espose on my escapades. Enjoy yourself, have fun. This life is too short for someone not to have the best of it. Sadness and I are two arch enemies. Read my story probably you may have one or two lessons to learn. Play save though, always have yourself protected.

Two weeks had passed and I am still smiting over the encounter I had with Queen. Imagine, my friend’s wife insulted me and I could not do anything about it. Let me quickly explain what transpired between us before you start insinuating what was not.

Bobby and his wife, Queen have just packed into our area. It was the wife Queen that I first met. The first time I sighted this ravishingly beautiful woman, she was walking in front of me and from that vantage position, she reminded me of Debola, my former campus girlfriend who eloped with a multi- millionaire (Debola story is for another day)

Queen was tall, light in complexion and she walked with a gait of a queen. Her name fitted her. I parked my car beside this African queen and offered to take her to the bus stop. She entered and expressed her appreciation.

I introduced myself and enquired where she was going under the scorching sun. One thing led to another and we started chatting. Before we knew it, we have already got to the bus stop, she had to dis-embark and I promised to see her some other time. Before she left we exchanged our telephone numbers.

I was the first to call her. She expressed her appreciation again for the assistance rendered, but warned me to desist from calling her at home. I understood what she meant, and I limited my call to official hours when she would be in the office.

All the while, I have never met the husband. As providence will have it, or should I call it ill luck. I met the husband in an un-usual manner we were in the middle of a drinking binge in our usual beer joint one evening, when this middle aged man sauntered in. he introduced himself to us as Bobby and started chatting with everybody as if we were old pals. The guy was full of life and his friendly mien was contagious. He stood up excused himself and went on to have a short discussion with mama Asuquo, the owner of the joint.

When he came back to his seat, a sales girl followed him with assorted bottles of beer, “Gentle men, this uncle …” pointing at Bobby “… said we should serve you these bottles of beer” The girl went ahead and served the said beer.

As we were thanking him one after the other for the gift, Bobby said, “Oh, girl, please serve us plates of pepper soup as well.”

From that moment onward, Bobby and I became friends we always met at the beer joint. One day after our usual drinking spree, he invited me to his house. There I met Queen! Both of us were surprised, but we quickly got over the initial shock. Bobby, introduced us and he told Queen to bring us food and both of us ate. Whenever my eyes met Queen’s she would raise her eye brow as if she was asking.”How come” or “what is happening?”

After that encounter, I deleted Queen’s number from my phone and refused to take her calls. Bobby and I continued with our friendship and I continued eating in his house. I have also invited him to my house too a couple of times.

As should be expected, Queen’s attitude changed and she started giving me cold shoulder treatment  whenever I went to their house.

 The issue got to a head one day. My car was faulty, and I had to take a cab home. Guess what? Sitting directly beside me was Queen. I greeted her, she I did not answer. When it was the time to pay for the fare, I paid for both of us. I was expecting her to thank me, but in stead, she burst out, her voice almost inaudible. “Keep your money… I hate you. Every part of my body hates you.”

“Why should you hate me Queen? What is my offence? Your husband is my friend...” Queen did not allow me to finish my sentence before she exploded!

“That is your headache. The information I heard about you was different.”

“Look, woman, you are a very beautiful woman, someday I could move with and I was thinking along that possibility before I met your husband who has turned out to be a likeable and intimate friend just of a sudden. As you were told, “awo is still de le”, but I don’t do it with my friend’s wife, no matter the provocation or beauty.”

“Fari you are a stupid man. I even hate you the more with that bus conductor’s language. Any day I see you in our house again on your eating and drinking spree with my husband I will lace your food with rat poison. I will even buy the rat poison today…. useless man.”

We were talking to each other at the back of the car as if we were having a casual discussion, therefore the driver and the other passenger sitting beside him could not hear us.

When we got to our bus stop. Queen stormed out of the cab. What type of crisis is this? What reason would I give Bobby for not coming to his house again? Should I dance to Queen’s tune and betray a friend’s? I asked store friends for advice. Some said I should play along with her while some said if the husband should know, he might kill me with magun.

What should I do now? Should I start dating Queen and dare magun or continue with my friendship with Bobby and eat rat poison? Please let me know your opinion fast.