ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI : BIBI IDI-IKAN!

By Femi Abulude

Bibilari, Bibi for short was my school mate way back then. This girl was of average

height and pretty, her problem was her forlorn look. We used to call her sad Bibi at her back. Some even gave her the sobriquet “the face that never smiles!” Rumour had it that she was a product of broken home. Some people also called her “Idi-Ikan” I know you will be interested in knowing the meaning of that word. You will have to take a course in Yoruba language or better still, I will introduce you to my boss, who has connections with ALAROYE newspaper. What I know is that Adebisi Idi – Ikan used to be a wealthy man in the ancient city of Ibadan in the olden days.

          Trust Faari, I made several attempts at breaking her iron curtain to no avail. All my tricks and efforts to court her friendship failed woefully then, after an unpleasant encounter. I decided to call on her one Friday evening and expressed how I felt for her she blurted out thus:

          “Faari or what do they call you, whom do you think you are? You always carry yourself as if your father owns the central bank. I hate you. You irritate me! Don’t ever come across my path again. For your information, I cannot date a wretched lousy guy like you.” She hissed and spat, the spit fell on my well polished brown shoe. Bibi left me standing there stupefied. Me Faari, Omo onikoko! No girl has ever talked to me like that. The cold war continued until we left school for higher institution.

          Our path crossed again recently during our class mates re-union meeting. Bibi has not changed a hoot we learnt she lost her husband in a ghastly auto crash she was still her sad self all our efforts to make her happy failed woefully. I was the master of ceremony everybody was laughing and enjoying the jokes, but not Bibi. You need to see the group photograph taken after the event. Bibi was the stone face at the extreme left side of the picture. When I gave a joke of a mask face which never smiled when we were in school all eyes turned to Bibi, but she was unperturbed

          I called her on phone four days after the outing, she picked her call quite alright attempt and her response put me off balance.

“Faari is that you? Many things had happened since we left school. I liked you way back then, but we were too young for what you were asking. However I enjoyed the looks on your face anytime I put up that my forlorn look. I was not as bad as you thought. Your perception of me was your own imagination. My friends told me all the names you created for me. They were amusing though. But where you got the Idi-Ikan sobriquet baffled me. A friend said probably it was because of my hips. Faari you were my friend at large. We can still be friends. Faari? Are you still there?” I did not know what to say. Am I dreaming? Someone should wake me up now….

BEHAVE REPONSIBLE; AIDS IS REAL.

ADVENTURES OF MR. FAARI FUNMI ASUN!

There was this young girl I admired a lot, she was very pretty, tall, dark and intelligent. Her smile could illuminate a room. No matter the level of provocation meted to her she would never be angry. I learnt that she had just finished her OND and was assisting her uncle to serve in his beer joint.

I have been watching her at some distance before I eventually hit the nail on the head. She neither agreed nor disagreed. Any time I called her, she would give me audience. I prodded her further and collected her phone number which she gladly obliged. The following day, I was sent to Kaduna to cover a story. Unfortunately, I lost my phone during the trip. When I got back to Lagos, our relationship started on a full throttle.

Several months later, a girl sauntered into the beer joint smiling at me and Funmi. I looked at Funmi and saw the glaring similarities between the two girls. This was the girl I first met! I was confused.

I later on gathered that the one I first met was the young sister called Kunmi. In my confusion and hasty state of mind, I had mistaken her for Funmi. I learnt that Kunmi had to travel back to her school to collect her transcript. That explained her sudden absence from the scene.

It was not really a matter of confusion on their part as I later on gathered. It was unanimous decision between the two sisters that Kunmi whom I first met should step aside for her elder sister because there was family pressure on her to get married. Can it work? Faari to get married? We shall all see.

Behave responsibly; Aids is Real!

ADVENTURES OF MR. FAARI: TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

I had an appointment with Roluke as she did not come on time; I decided to wait at the hotel’s garden and was sipping my drink. As I was settling down, I took a cursory look around me. Among all the pretty faces, a particular one caught my attention.

Aa - ah! It was Tessy! This was the girl I brought here last week. I picked my phone and sent her a text message.

Mr. Faari: What do you want here again?

Tessy: Oobi! Useless man (she replied)

Mr. Faari: You are so shameless; you cannot even tell him to take you somewhere else.

Tessy: How does that concern you?

Mr. Faari: It is my concern because I used to bring you here. I own this land!

Tessy: Which land?

Mr. Faari: Tessy, you are an incorrigible prostitute.

Tessy: See me o! Kettle calling pot black!

Mr. Faari: If you annoyed me, I’ll come and create a scene at your table over there.

Tessy: You dare not. The man here is an army officer. his ADC is the one sitting behind you.

I looked at my back and saw this hefty looking guy in smart military uniform. I sulked in silence. Tessy had won this battle. Where is Roluke o?

BEHAVE RESPONSIBILITY; AIDS IS REAL!

ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI: FAARI IS BORN AGAIN!

By Femi Abulude

I have eventually followed my boss to the camp o! I was lost inside the three kilometer by three kilometer spiritual arena. I hope you are not going to ask me which camp. I did not go there for sight seeing. It was a spiritual visit which has changed my life for good. We would talk on this as time goes on. I was welcomed like a prodigal son and treated like a king.

By now you should be privy to how my boss has been preaching to me on the issue of spirit, body and soul. I have decided to forsake evil and toll the path of righteousness. I am not joking o. You don’t joke with issues that concern God. Why are you surprised? Have I done worst things than Saul who later became Paul? Was David not boasted by God as the man after his heart despite his escapades?

My boss and some of his colleagues in the family affairs ministry have been preaching to me but when two of his sisters, one in London and the other one at Maryland joined and explained to me the need to be a vessel unto honour, I made up my mind to reach out to my colleagues who are still on the fast lane. When the sister in the chamber, whom I fondly called Sister Cool saw me last week at a social function at Fadeyi she commended me by saying. “Faari trust God, you are doing great!” my joy knew no bounds.

Relax; you are not going to miss anything. My duty from now on is to give expose on my past escapades so that others can learn. Righteousness qualifies you as God’s own. See you at the top!

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; HEAVEN IS REAL!         

ADVENTURES OF MR. FAARI I’M SEARCHING O!

I thank all my admirers. I appreciate those that their interests were more than mere admiration. I also appreciate your condolences on the demise of Bola. “Na so life be!” Some other friends complained that I was too harsh on her. The two Rashidats mentioned had declared me personal non granta in their state. This job na wah o!

Like the Yoruba would say “Ti iku ban pa ojugba eni, Owe lo npa fun ni”. I have learnt one or two lessons from Bola’s death. One is self control over one’s temper and the other is the evil of promiscuity.

I have agreed with my boss to get married as soon as possible, when some busy bodies in our office told him that some ladies were tempting me again, this was how he reacted in Yoruba.

“A ni ka je ekuru ko tan, awon kan tun ngbon owo re sawo!”

You don’t understand that one? You better go and learn Yoruba language. What he meant was that you people are encouraging me to stay unmarried.

Don’t worry, he has given his mandate, I have equally given him my simple conditions too. My request was that if he could help me get any of the ladies posted here, I would settle down fast, fast. You too are not left out in the search o! For easy identification, I have given them names; “Olajimbiti,” is in T – Shirt while the bicycle rider is “Labidi – Kenke!” I wish you all a successful search.

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; AIDS IS REAL