LEAN ON ME AUNTY MEG

Dear Aunty Meg,

          I’m impressed how you have been helping people solved their problems. I hope you would be able to help me out of my present predicament.

          I am in love with this guy, in fact we have set in motion our marriage plans before I got to know that he had been deceiving me all alone. We started our relationship on a platonic note right from our secondary school days.

          When I gained admission into the University in the South Eastern part of Nigeria he claimed he had been admitted into a polytechnic at the North Western part of the country. He later on went for his national youth service. I completed mine a year earlier than his because of the mandatory one year industrial attachment for national diploma courses. I then proceeded on my masters programme

          My problem started when a cousin of his claimed that my lover had not gone to any higher institution. She said he had been deceiving me all along. When I confronted him, his answer baffled me. He said what had education got to do with love and marriage. On further enquires, I realized that he had been deceiving me. What should I do Aunty? ----- Jelly

RESPONSE

Dear jelly,

          Accept my sympathy on your present predicament. This guy has no doubt betrayed your trust and love. This is deceit written in capital letters. Apart from the fact that both of you are no longer on the same plane social status wise, he is not also trustworthy. Only God knows what he could do next.

          A house built on quick sand without solid foundation will surely collapse. Count your teeth with your tongue sister!

___ Aunty Meg

ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI : BIBI IDI-IKAN!

By Femi Abulude

Bibilari, Bibi for short was my school mate way back then. This girl was of average

height and pretty, her problem was her forlorn look. We used to call her sad Bibi at her back. Some even gave her the sobriquet “the face that never smiles!” Rumour had it that she was a product of broken home. Some people also called her “Idi-Ikan” I know you will be interested in knowing the meaning of that word. You will have to take a course in Yoruba language or better still, I will introduce you to my boss, who has connections with ALAROYE newspaper. What I know is that Adebisi Idi – Ikan used to be a wealthy man in the ancient city of Ibadan in the olden days.

          Trust Faari, I made several attempts at breaking her iron curtain to no avail. All my tricks and efforts to court her friendship failed woefully then, after an unpleasant encounter. I decided to call on her one Friday evening and expressed how I felt for her she blurted out thus:

          “Faari or what do they call you, whom do you think you are? You always carry yourself as if your father owns the central bank. I hate you. You irritate me! Don’t ever come across my path again. For your information, I cannot date a wretched lousy guy like you.” She hissed and spat, the spit fell on my well polished brown shoe. Bibi left me standing there stupefied. Me Faari, Omo onikoko! No girl has ever talked to me like that. The cold war continued until we left school for higher institution.

          Our path crossed again recently during our class mates re-union meeting. Bibi has not changed a hoot we learnt she lost her husband in a ghastly auto crash she was still her sad self all our efforts to make her happy failed woefully. I was the master of ceremony everybody was laughing and enjoying the jokes, but not Bibi. You need to see the group photograph taken after the event. Bibi was the stone face at the extreme left side of the picture. When I gave a joke of a mask face which never smiled when we were in school all eyes turned to Bibi, but she was unperturbed

          I called her on phone four days after the outing, she picked her call quite alright attempt and her response put me off balance.

“Faari is that you? Many things had happened since we left school. I liked you way back then, but we were too young for what you were asking. However I enjoyed the looks on your face anytime I put up that my forlorn look. I was not as bad as you thought. Your perception of me was your own imagination. My friends told me all the names you created for me. They were amusing though. But where you got the Idi-Ikan sobriquet baffled me. A friend said probably it was because of my hips. Faari you were my friend at large. We can still be friends. Faari? Are you still there?” I did not know what to say. Am I dreaming? Someone should wake me up now….

BEHAVE REPONSIBLE; AIDS IS REAL.

POLITICS OPINION: NIGERIA POLITICS: JOGGING ON THE SAME SPOT

By Femi Abulude 

The question on the lips of well meaning Nigerians and friends of the country is “Is

Nigeria Jinxed?” The   reason behind this question is not far fetched. All positive efforts to make the Nation work had always met brickwall. She got her independence in 1960 from the British Colonialists after several years of agitations by some patriotic elements on the political landscape then. The enthusiasm was infectious. The new nation had all what it needed to be great.

This hope for greatness was cut short few years later by military adventurists. Thus the political gladiators of the first republic were shot out of existence. Civil war ensued, many lives were loss and since then it has been stories of woes. Along the line, mother luck smiled on Nigeria, she struck crude oil in commercial quantities and we started spending money like the biblical prodigal son.

After years of political acrobatics, democracy was re-instated for the second time in 1999 instead of serving the people, the “New Breed” politicians started milking the populace. The unfortunate thing is that most of the fire-brand Gadflies who fought the military government to stand still could not make it to the political driving seat. The fortunate ones are the military apologies whom the military leaders were using as cannon fodders during their regimes.

Several political parties fought for elections in 1999, PDP got the highest votes; they won the presidency, most of the states and the two Federal Houses; Senate and House of Representatives. This was the commencement of the period of the jackals. It was free for all. Everybody was in-charge; there was no respect for party supremacy. Impunity was the order of the day. Democratic norms were thrown overboard. Nigeria became a pun in the hands of PDP for about sixteen years. Things eventually fell apart and the centre could not hold again for PDP, the self praised largest political party in Africa. Despite the federal election that was drawing near then, the broken china of the PDP were scattered all over the place and nobody could gather the pieces.

It was at this period that All Progressive Congress (APC) came with the “Change” Mantra with want of credible alternative to PDP Nigerians fell for the “Change” Slogan. Yours truly enthusiastically composed a song then. It goes thus:

“This wind of change

That is blowing in our land

Let it touch us all

Positively for that matter

Lets feel it oh!

Chineke meh

Abasi nbo

Obangiji

Metalokan o!

Let it touch us all”

The slogan worked. Table turned and APC won the elections at the centre. It unseated the sitting President, Goodluck Jonathan and Gen Mohammed Buhari got convenient majority members in the Senate and House of Representatives, the party won most of the states. That put an end to sixteen years rule of PDP. We thought Eldorado had come, how wrong we were!

Politic is a game of numbers. While in the quest for power, APC threw its doors and windows opened for all comers. This free for all entrance allowed the influx of dregs and disgruntled elements of PDP into APC. Most of the discredited former state governors and members who already had cases with Economics and Finance Crime Commission (EFCC) found their ways into the Senate and House of Representatives, some were even made ministers under APC. Within a short time, they became a formidable force within the party. They overpowered and over-shadowed the original owners of APC. Before we knew it, APC became Pseudo PDP.

It was their perpetual transfer of acts impunity and camaraderie that was responsible for the emergence of Ike Ekeremadu, a staunch PDP Leader as the Deputy Senate President. This was unprecedented in the annals of political history of Nigeria. This is pure evidence of APC being the two sides of a Coin. As if this was not enough, a Former PDP Chairman, Audu Ogbe, is the present Minister of Agriculture in Buhari government. The Senate President, Olusola Saraki, who has become a recalcitrant, was a two term Governor of Kwara State under PDP.

The unfortunate thing is that all positive efforts to move Nigeria forward by Buhari Government are being thwarted by these PDP elements in APC. They have seen APC as a safe haven against prosecution for their earlier committed financial crimes. These set of powerful elements in the Senate refused to approve, Ibrahim Magu, whom Buhari presented as the Chairman of EFCC. You can now appreciate why this war against corruption could not achieve much and the nation has been on a permanent state of stagnancy after more than two years of being on the saddle.

The crux of the matter is that our expectations are too high due to what we went through in the hands of PDP hawks. These expectations had beclouded our sense of judgment we are expecting someone coming fresh from the toilet to be smelling of roses. The home truth is that PDP has polluted APC to the extent that the venom has rendered it incapacitated that is why the wind of change could not blow. The President is always gasping for breath at the enormousity of the challenges, we are jogging quite alright, but we have not moved from the same spot.

The interesting thing now is that another election would soon come and the remnants  of the PDP are warming up. Even some decampees are returning to the party. You can now realize that the whole exercise is just personal aggrandizement and not service to the people.

The general consensus now is that we are tired of all these recycled elements. It is obvious that they cannot move Nigeria forward. They have got to their wit-end. They cannot perform more than what we have seen and experienced. They should give way or better still we should shove them aside and allow new and fresh idea to take over the political driver’s seat. The action should start now.

CAGED

By Femi Abulude

Peju was introduced to me as a business partner by Lasun. If his reputation with women was anything to go by, there would be more to it than just business associates. It did not take long before I was proved right. Peju was economically buoyant no doubt about it, and she used to dole out money to her close associates. True to type, she was enhancing Lasun’s business. When we became closer, she also showed interest in my business. She sent a sum of N250,000 through one of her friends called Tinuke. I called her on phone and expressed my appreciation. I also told Lasun and implored him to help me thank her.

Few months later, Lasun brought an invitation card of a funeral ceremony. He said the late Chief was Tinuke’s Uncle. I know this girl, she was the one Peju sent with the money she gave me, Lasun also gave me the cap material chosen for the party.

When we were preparing to take off for the party, Lasun advised that I should put on white coloured agbada Lace materials as he had done, I obeyed him. I later realized that Peju and her friend, the celebrant wore white Lace materials too. Come and see the spectacle. The four of us turned, out like two jolly couples, with purple head gear and cap to match.

Well wishers and invited guests were coming to exchange pleasantries with Tinuke. Some were even giving her gifts. I was hearing some of them whispering to her “S’awon niyen?” meaning “Is he the one?” insinuating if I was her husband. Surprisingly Tinuke was answering them in affirmative! I called Lasun aside and intimated him on this development. He explained that Tinuke had separated from her husband long time ago. That the guy had even travelled abroad and re-married. Since that episode she had been very wary of men.

 I felt a little relaxed, hoping that the play acting role would end after the party. How wrong I was? Few days later, Peju called me and said I should see her because she had a very important issue to discuss with me, what could it be? We have not seen each other after the party. It was only Tinuke that called to express her appreciation.

On the appointed date, I met Peju in her shop already waiting for me. I was ushered into her office. Everything about this lady smelt of wealth. After the initial pleasantries and appreciation for honouring her friends invitation to the party, she went straight to the point. “Mr. Olajide my friend said she liked you and would want both of you to start a relationship. Tinuke is a nice lady. “I’ve known her right from our secondary school days. Since then we had remained inseparable. She can never be a problem to you, instead she can add value to your life”. What answer should I provide for this poser? I asked myself .

Before I could say anything the door of the rest room flung opened and Tinuke emerged beaming with smile. “Ranti how are you? Thank you for the other day” Just like that! It has now become Ranti and not Mr. Olajide that she was calling me before. Peju just changed the topic. After some general gists, she called one of her maids and sent for food. She instructed her aloud to be fast. She came back in a jivy. When she set the table, the meal was arranged in two places, meaning I had to eat with Tinuke. That was how the relationship evolved.

Tinuke said she was looking for a more befitting house as the one she was staying was too small for her. She eventually got one at Mowe. According to the care – taker of the new house, the Landlord had given a stern warning not to give out the house to either a bachelor or a single lady. That was how I was drafted into the rent issue. She had to fill the form as my wife and I countered signed as her husband. It looked strange, “Mrs. Olajide” when the real Mrs. Olajide was at home! After some months, Tinuke claimed she was pregnant. I kicked against this and told her to terminate it. She refused and started calling me unprintable names. I stormed out of her house in annoyance and stopped picking her calls, I didn’t pick Peju’s calls as well.

When I told my friend Lasun about the development he thought it was funny. “Ranti, these ladies can take care of themselves, why are you bothering yourself over nothing?” He waved it off “Lasun, its easier said than done. See what you have caused. Can you face my wife and tell her what has happened and the roles you played or better still, if Peju gets pregnant for you can you look your wife in the face and reveal it to her? I now realized how stupid I had been listening to you”. I stormed out of his office in anger.

Out of desperation, Tinuke came to my house one Saturday morning. It was my wife that opened the door. I followed her to see who was at the door it was Tinuke! She brought out a sheet of paper and said she was looking for a certain number on the street. My wife told her that she has come to a wrong place. What an irony! Tinuke thanked her, gave me a cold look and left. I heaved a sigh of relief. I am already in a cage. Who knows what she would do next? Tinuke is at the verge of breaking my home. What can I do now?

ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI: SISI BONSUE AND EVIL SPIRIT

By Femi Abulude

Sola gentle is the owner of our drinking joint at Keth in the olden days. We called her

Sola gentle in her presence but when she was not within hearing shot, we called her Sola mental! She was very erratic. You could never predict her next move.

A friend, Kola, was befriending her. She was the one who openly told our friend that she liked him. That was how they started this amorous relationship. They went out together one weekend and became sworn enemies thereafter. When we asked Kola, what went wrong, he lamented that he could not really explained what happened. He said Sola just started throwing tantrums without any reason. All our efforts to settle the quarrel failed woefully.

When Sola introduced a friend of hers to me, I had my reservations. My opinion was the age long saying that “Show me your friend and I will tell you your character.” She was fondly called Sisi Bonsue, she was beautiful and caught my fancy. We were told that her finance died few weeks to their wedding ceremony and since then, she had not got any stable affairs. I decided to give her a trial. If you like, call me “Oloju ko mun o lo” (Womanizer). Sisi Bonsue was loving and caring, she was buying gifts for me. When last did a lady buy gift for Faari?. That was in the era of Dayo Falade, Bola For Sure and Iya Obokun. The rest were Iya Kalokalo!  They were out to milk me dry; the worst was Mercy Ogbodu.

The merry-go-round was not for long. It seemed evil spirit was following her, several terrible things started happening that I had to follow a friend to the prayer mountain to ward off the seemingly evil spirit.

The plane Sisi Bonsue and I boarded to Abuja on a weekend trip narrowly escaped crash landing. As if that was not enough, the taxi that was carrying us to the hotel got burnt after passing the Abuja National Stadium. That same night some dare devil armed robbers visited our hotel and dealt with all the occupants mercilessly.

When I got to Lagos, a query was waiting for me for missing a very important news story of national importance. It look the grace of God before I could be left off the look, I could have lost my job.

These were the reasons behind my striking Bonsue out of my system then.

 

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY, AIDS IS REAL!         

POLITICS: MADU, SEUN AND STABILIZER

By Femi Abulude

There is this vibrant middle aged guy of Igbo extraction in my neighbourhood. His name is Maduabuchi but we fondly call him Madu. He is into electronics merchandise at Idumota Market in Lagos Island. He even claimed he has another branch at Alaba International Market along Badagry expressway, in Lagos. Madu is always ready to deliver electronics appliances and electrical wires at cheaper rates to willing residents.

Madu has also caught the Biafra bug. His voice was always the loudest among his peers whenever they were discussing national issues. Understandably, he always defended the Biafra course.

The following discussion took place between Madu and one of his friends Seun recently.

MADU:     Oga Seun, is it true that if we succeeded in this Biafra mandate, all the Igbos in Lagos would go home?

SEUN:       Madu, I am afraid, it would not only be in Lagos but throughout Nigeria. That is the home truth.

MADU:     What would then happen to my property here and my shops at Idumota and Alaba?

SEUN:       You may have to leave them or sell them. If you don’t want to do these, you may decide to carry them along with you.

MADU:     Carry them to where, Oga Seun?

SEUN:       To your village of course!

MADU:     You can’t be serious Oga Seun. Is it possible to carry house? Is it also true that I’ll have to obtain visa to come back to Nigeria?

SEUN:       Madu don’t put me in trouble. Is it possible for you to travel to another country without obtaining visa?

MADU:     So Nigeria would now become another country if we achieved Biafra?

SEUN:       Madu, provide the answer yourself. Please let us put an end to this discussion. I am no longer comfortable with it. How much is a set of stabilizer? I need a new one for my computer.

MADU:     Oga Seun you are dodging my question.

SEUN:       “Madu, me, I no know book!” When you are going to Idumota tomorrow call on me, so that you can collect the money for the stabilizer. I need it urgently.

MADU:     I get your message Oga Seun. We really need to stabilize this our country, Nigeria…

MADU:     (sings) This Nigeria na we own make he no pafuka…

JUST ONE SHOT!

By Femi Abulude

There was not much for me to do in the office on that day, being the last working day of the week and of the month I hit the road. Surprisingly too, the road was free of the usual traffic jam. It was therefore an easy ride home listening to my favourite music.

I was about 500 metres to the bus stop that branched to my house when I sighted this pretty lady at the bus stop. Before I could get to her, she had started flagging me down. I slowed down my vehicle and rolled down the side glass. I packed beside her. She begged for a lift and I signaled for her to enter. She did and that was the genesis of my predicament.

After the initial pleasantries, where she said she was going was about two bus - stops after my own. I offered to drop her there. Her next statement startled me. “Don’t tell me you are going home straight. What would a young man like you be doing at home at this time of the day? Helping madam with household chores? “She teased”.

I stole a glance at her beside me. This girl really has guts I thought.

“Come of it, men like you should have a social club to retire to at the end of a day work” she continued. “If you don’t mind a friend of mine has a small drinking joint down the road. We can branch there and get to know each other better. “This lady was un-usually too forward” I mused. Curiosity took the better of me. I followed her like a walking zombie. Her name was Nkiru.

When we got to her friends place, it came out to be a Beer Parlour. But unfortunately, the place was not too far away from the shop of one of the elders of our church. After settling down, I told Nkiru this. She called her friend whom I later knew was called Mama Asuquo and discussed briefly with her. She came back and said Mama Asuquo would follow me to the fuel filling station near the joint. This was where I packed my car. When I came back, they had re - arranged our sitting position.

Mama Asuquo served us drinks and pepper soup. Nkiru topped her own with Nkwobi. This lady could drink. Within a spate of one hour, she had drunk three bottles of big stouts. She disclosed that she was a single mother of two. She worked as a secretary in a factory but presently she was jobless.

She confessed she was befriending her expatriate boss, who was taking proper care of her. When the man went back to his country, a black man took over from him. This man who was privy to the relationship between her and the Indian lover man wanted them to start a relationship as well. This she refused vehemently. Since that time, she knew no peace in that place. He eventually sacked her on flimsy excuse of inflating the cost of an electric kettle she was asked to buy. Her immediate problem was how to solve her house rent which would due in few days time. “Ah! This lady can talk!” I thought. My warning signal kept on beeping but I refused to listen.

When it was getting dark she suggested we change our location. The next port of call was a hotel. By this time I was a getting tipsy. One thing led to the other and I slept with her. Nkiru was a maniac on bed. I got clumsy as everything was moving too fast for me. When we were going, I gave her N10, 000 ( Ten thousand Naira only). She accepted it, thanked me and told me not forget the house rent she said was N150, 000. I was silently praying that the cup should quickly pass over me. I would run away from Nkiru, she would never see me again. We parted.

How wrong I was! Nkiru refused to go. She started calling me on phone. When she realized my intension was to dump her, she started sending text messages even at odd times. My wife started getting suspicious, but I parried all her insinuations.

Unknown to me, Nkiru had traced me to my church member’s shop. She had spilled the bean to this elderly man. The man called me on phone and said there was a serious issue he would like to discuss with me. I almost fainted. I plucked up courage and went to the man. He went straight to the point. He expressed his disappointment at my indiscression. He explained what Nkiru told him. He said her types are home breakers whom responsible men should always steer clear of. He advised that I should settle her because she had become very desperate.

That was how I had to eat the humble pie and call Nkiru. I begged her. She hit her roof and started calling me names; threatening hell and brimstone. After much begging and persuasion she agreed to take N50, 000.

Few months later, I started feeling some burning sensation all over my body. My wife also complained about the same symptoms. When we could no longer mange it again, we decided to consult our family doctors.

He conducted series of tests and told us to come back for the results. The doctor later confirmed that we were suffering from syphilis.

Spontaneously, my wife and I chorused, “WHAT!” the doctor repeated “Syphilis!” my wife asked “How?” I could not ask the same question. It was definitely through my unprotected coital relationship with Nkiru.

A shot at Nkiru had landed me and my wife in fatal trouble. Who knows if the children are safe too? My wife’s question; “HOW?” kept echoing in my brain. How? How? How?