ADVENTURES OF MR FAARI: JULIE NA BAD LUCK

I enjoy all your comments o jare without any apology, I am me. I can’t just pretend to be somebody else. Most people out there are pretenders. They do and commit unprintable atrocities and pretend as if nothing has taken place.

You can’t compare me with my boss with due respect, he is a complete gentleman o!Me, I dey for town well-well. If you like call me Mr Pentagon. Some busy bodies called my boss Adetutu at his back. Please don’t let him hear o. He is cool and calculating. That is where it ends. I’ll give you more gists about that man later.

There was this young lady, Julie Keke (Julie for short) who has interest in my boss. He rebuffed all her entreaties and started preaching the gospel to her. When she realized that she could not penetrate him, she switched her interest to me. Faari, a fe arugbo tewu-tewu, agban’ya agba bi eni gbon’wu. Omo Amao Onikoko nidi agbon!

Fast, fast, I read her loud and clear. Before you could say Akanni Aro I have taken her to Galilee, Nazareth and Jericho thrice! Bo!

The three outings were terrible; on the first occasion, I had a burst tyre on our way back and my car ended up in a ditch. The second time, armed robbers pursued us, the tell tale marks of their bullet holes are still on my car up till now. The final straw was that on our last outing, vehicle Inspection officers arrested me and impounded my car for a broken pointer and faulty break light.

Without being told, I told myself enough was enough! I started dodging Julie. I eventually deleted her and her bad legs from my list.

You can see some of the evil things these men of God always miss. Their shield is their righteousness. Please don’t tell my boss my experience o, He would gleefully say “God don catch me”.

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; AIDS IS REAL!

LEAN ON ME: Aunty meg

Dear Aunty Meg,

I’ve just got married to my husband. There is no doubt about it, we both Love each other dearly. Our church did not encourage too much intimacy among intending couples, therefore, I did not know much about his habits.

Now that we are married, there are two major habits of his that I found irritating.

My husband snores like pig and he makes noise with his mouth while munching food. His snoring is really getting on my nerves. Whenever, I give him a nudge, he would blame me for disturbing his sleep.

- Jessica

Jessica, I congratulate you on your wedding. We have to fashion a way to your having a happy married life. You seemed threatened by these habits of your husband. To start with let him be conscious of his sleeping position. If he his on his back there is every likelihood for him to snore.

On this noise emanating from his mouth while eating, advise him not to put too much food in his mouth. Introduce these to him gently and with love.  I pray they work. Chiao! –Aunty meg

 

 

 

BETWEEN HAWKS AND VULTURES

 I grew up to know this wealthy elderly woman as my mother. Her peers called her Mama Alade, Alade is my name, while younger ones especially her  siblings called her “Sisi mi”which could mean my sister. She was the eldest in the family. She trained most of her junior ones. She also extended her generosity to members of the extended family.

Sisi mi was a prominent food seller in town. Customers from high and lower cadre of the society patronized her. This was at the time the seat of power was in Lagos, therefore ministers used to send their staff to buy food from our canteen. Commissioners and top civil servants always came from Alausa.

She showered me with love and did not allow me to lack anything. I went to the best schools in town. I was in the boarding house throughout my secondary school days. When it was time for me to go to the university, she made sure I attended one of the best.

The worst happened when I went for one year mandatory National Youth Service corps programme. I received this message that I should come home immediately. It took me two days before I could arrive.

Immediately the taxi dropped me in front of our house, I knew something tragic had happened. The usual bubbling and hustling that characterized our house were lacking. On entering the family sitting room, I saw the eldest male child of the family addressing some members.

When he saw me, he pointed at me and said – “Hen! hen! Here he comes, welcome Alade, how was your journey? I am sorry to inform you that “Sisi mi” is dead! She died three days ago and she had been buried. You can have your seat.”

He continued speaking; I was lost in thought, thinking about the loss, when I heard my name again.

“Alade! Are you listening to me? I was saying Sisi mi is not your mother. Your real mother was one of her workers. The young woman joined Sisi mi carrying a child. That baby was you. She died after working for her for about four years. We could not trace her relations. That is how Sisi mi whom we all knew was childless took over your responsibilities.”

“In short, you are not her biological son, therefore by inference; you don’t have any inheritance in this family. You should be eternally grateful for the training she had given you.”

He looked around and raised his voice for confirmation. “Have I spoken for all the members of this noble family?” 

They all chorused in unison: “Yes, Olori Ebi, you have spoken well!” I took a cursory look at all of them. These were people I knew throughout my life as my kit and kin. Alhaja’s wealth has beclouded them. They all looked like hawks and vultures hovering over a carcass.

I could not control my emotion again. I burst into weeping. None of them consoled me. They were whispering. I plucked up courage and stood up, opened the door and stormed out of the room. I sighted the boy who carried my bag, collected it and walked out of the compound, I felt lonely.

On the second thought, I dismissed all ill-feelings I had towards them. The head of the family was saying the truth, though he said it with a taint of greed. Sisi mi had trained me to the level where I should be able to take proper care of myself without reliance on any inheritance.

I boarded the next vehicle to my base. My next move was to trace my root. Unfortunately, I could not acheive this.

The crux of the story was that one of the grand children had used the large house as collateral for a loan in the bank. When he could not pay, the bank decided to sell the house. Somebody came to inform me because I was one of the military brasses in town. I decided to buy the house. I demolished it and constructed a shopping complex there. I named it Sisi mi – Mama Alade Shopping Complex.

If you shop in Lagos, probably you have bought things from my shopping complex!  

POLITICS: AISHA’S OUTBURST; SAVING BUHARI FROM HIMSELF.

The media was Agog with Aisha Buhari’s outburst on how some cabals have hijacked power from her husband and core APC party faithfuls.

Her response to the question asked by the BBC Hausa reporter that what did she think was responsible for the slowness in the government was revealing. Aisha burst out like an overstretched dam. 

Excerpts:

“In my view I am not a government official and I speak as a woman and a mother. It is known that we will not have a smooth four – year tenure. The first problem is the way this government came into being. No one can say I brought this government into power. People came together and said enough is enough. Nearly half of this people are not involved in running it. They have brought some people who are not politicians, People who did not know what we said we would do and not do during the campaigns, some of them have come out to say they are not politicians but they are sitting in political positions.

Don’t forget some separated from their wives because of politics, some lost their children, some women lose their husbands;  there is nothing that did not happen. But now, with the way things are going, I am not happy because we just started the journey; we have not reached the end. We know that some people who labored have not been brought on board but now those who were  brought  and given positions like head of agencies for example, ( you see such a person fighting his state governor  because they couldn’t contest for the seat with him in PDP and the Governor in the APC, they traded insults), Today, such people are the ones calling the shots”.

If people are wondering about the timing of her Outburst, this was not her first attempt. During a dinner party organized in honor of APC women and Youths at the inception of this administration, Aisha had this to say;

“There is nothing people did not say about the past administration. It is not Jonathan that is not good but the people around him. So, the people that are going to be around General Buhari have to be very careful because this election ended peacefully. We are praying and hoping that people around him should know that it took him twelve years to get to that position and they must know that they are coming to serve the masses, Not General Buhari in Person. It is the people that are around him that will determine the political health of our state”.

The salient question here is that in whose interest is Aisha’s comment? Looking at it critically it all boils down to the general interest of Nigeria and Nigerians. Nigerians can only be great when we put our interest aside and put the interest of this great Nation on the top burner. This woman could have just kept quiet like most of the First ladies before her and kept on enjoying the pecks of affluence and power, but she has decided to be on the side of the masses. Perhaps, If Patience Jonathan had toiled this path, her husband would not have lost the election and shown the way out of the Aso rock villa the way he did.

Aisha’s statement has just confirmed the fear of the majority. People have been wondering if this was the CHANGE they bought line hook and sinker and voted for. It has been confirmed that the proponents of CHANGE are not the ones behind the driver’s seat. That is why the vehicle could not more smoothly. We are now in a period of uncertainty and this is dangerous, if we were to be in the military era, what is happening is a veritable excuse for a coup de tat!

How well do we even know about this man Buhari that we put all our hope on him? Here is a man that was told when he was the military head of states that Gen Ibrahim Babangida was planning to overthrow him. He called Babangida and accused him openly. That one did not deny the accusation but gave a flimsy excuse that some people accused him of brandishing a gun during one of their SMC meetings. The issue was laid to rest just like that. Few months later, Babangida swept him aside in a Palace Coup.

Aisha knew her husband inside out. Nigerians should sit up. There is fire on the mountain! Not Yet Uhuru!

ADVENTURES OF MR. FAARI I’M SEARCHING O!

I thank all my admirers. I appreciate those that their interests were more than mere admiration. I also appreciate your condolences on the demise of Bola. “Na so life be!” Some other friends complained that I was too harsh on her. The two Rashidats mentioned had declared me personal non granta in their state. This job na wah o!

Like the Yoruba would say “Ti iku ban pa ojugba eni, Owe lo npa fun ni”. I have learnt one or two lessons from Bola’s death. One is self control over one’s temper and the other is the evil of promiscuity.

I have agreed with my boss to get married as soon as possible, when some busy bodies in our office told him that some ladies were tempting me again, this was how he reacted in Yoruba.

“A ni ka je ekuru ko tan, awon kan tun ngbon owo re sawo!”

You don’t understand that one? You better go and learn Yoruba language. What he meant was that you people are encouraging me to stay unmarried.

Don’t worry, he has given his mandate, I have equally given him my simple conditions too. My request was that if he could help me get any of the ladies posted here, I would settle down fast, fast. You too are not left out in the search o! For easy identification, I have given them names; “Olajimbiti,” is in T – Shirt while the bicycle rider is “Labidi – Kenke!” I wish you all a successful search.

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY; AIDS IS REAL

DR RANDY WAS PLAYING GOD

There was this notorious lecturer when I was in the university. His obsession was anything in skirt. Before our set came on board, this man in his 40s had got two wives. Before we graduated, he added another one, making three wives. Two of these three wives were his students.

He was pursuing a particular girl in our set. This girl turned down his advances, but he kept disturbing her. Unfortunately, he met a friend of mine in the room of this girl during one of his visits. He concluded that it was my friend that was befriending her.

This Randy lecturer was not teaching us any course but he was the Dean of one of the departments. We were taking two core-courses from his department, to our chagrin, this my friend scored D from the two courses. We raised eye brow and our suspicion radar focused on the Dean. We did our private investigation and it revealed that he was the one who instructed his lecturers to deal with our friend for insulting him. He did not tell his acolytes that the feud was over a lady. There was nothing we could do about it, our friend carried his cross.

There was another pathetic story of one pretty girl like that. This girl had told her fiancé to wait till their wedding night. She assured him that she was intact. Our Randy lecturer had toasted her from part one. The lady explained to him that she was already engaged. She even showed him the engagement ring. This wicked man waited for her until she got to the final year. The girl failed his course. When one of her mates who had succumbed to his desire went to him for solace, he turned her back.

“Don’t interfere in this issue o! Your friend is stubborn. When you played ball with me, were you stupid? Is she the only one that has a fiancé? Go back and tell her. If she refused to play ball with me, she would not leave this campus. She would keep on seeing me”. With this, he dismissed the peace maker.

After her second attempt at sitting for the examination, the clueless girl succumbed to his desire.

She allowed this wicked man to deflower her. That was her last journey. She did not return back home. The commercial bus she boarded had head collision with another vehicle and she died instantly.

Few years ago, our Randy lecturer had to observe his sabbatical leave in a university located in a neighboring state. Information had it that he continued in his ways, but time has changed. When I saw his Obituary in the newspapers, I did my private investigation. I was curious, because the reports in the media said he was shot in the chest but the assailants did not take anything away from his car; everything was intact.

My conclusion was that probably our Randy friend had met his nemesis. Boys of nowadays don’t allow God to fight their battles, they take guns and settle the issue.

God have mercy.   

POLITICS: CREATION OF GRAZING ZONES; LAND MINE IN WAITING.

By Femi Abulude

At independence, Nigeria was a relatively peaceful country. The skirmishes we had before then were protests and agitation for independence.

This relative peace was truncated by the 1966 coupists who sent the politicians parking from the political space of Nigeria.

Before you start crucifying  me or justifying the reasons for the coup, which they claimed was corruption in high places, nepotism etc. can one honestly say that the political leaders of that time were more corrupt that those leaders; military and civilians, who took over since 1966. The military who came with the corrective mantra failed woefully.

When General Muritala Mohammed took over from General Yakubu Gowon in a military coup. He set up a military tribunal. The outcome showed that ten out of the twelve military governors were indicted for corruption.

Don’t forget that it was the insensitive and parochial actions of the coupists led by Major Kaduna Nzeogwu that set in motion what led to the civil war. After the war, which claimed millions of lives, Nigeria went back to the cocoon of peace, enjoying the petrol Naira boom.

Another rude kick at the peaceful existence of Nigeria was the misadventure of General Ibrahim Babangida and General Sani Abacha. The political gang mire was amicably settled in the usual Nigerian way and all the warring factions sheathed their swords.

Just from nowhere, Boko Haram group came in the guise of Islamic fundamentalists. The Muslims faithful at the initial stage thought they were genuine. They were soon proved wrong. In no long time, blood letting which was initially targeted at churches spread to markets and mosques! Prominent Northern leaders including Emirs and Village heads were attacked as well. Since the emergency of Boko Haram sect, the whole northern part of Nigeria, especially the North eastern part to be précised had not known peace.

Before the full scale attacks of Boko Haram sect, the Fulani herds’ men were always at logger heads with their host communities all over the country.  They were the ones that turned the peaceful Plateau area to perpetual war zone.

The Fulani’s are nomadic in nature; therefore they could not stay in a place. It has always been fisticuffs with the local farmers who claim that the cattle’s were destroying their farm produce.

The bone of contention now is the purported bill being sponsored in the federal house of parliament for the creation of grazing zones for Fulani herdsmen all over Nigeria. If this bill is passed, this will no doubt create an endless imbroglio.

A typical Fulani herdsman is a violent person. If you are in doubt, go and ask Chief Olu Falae, an elder statesman. The herdsmen did not only vandalize his farm serially, they went ahead and kidnapped him in his own farm and put a ransom on his head. He was lucky to come out alive to tell the story.

The herdsmen are always fully armed. perpetually battle ready. This makes the farmer always vulnerable. They would destroy their farm, rape their women and kill the farmers.

Creating a grazing zone means putting the herdsmen with the farmer in the same locality as permanent and legitimate neighbors. This can not work because a typical Fulani man thinks he has the power and he is superior over any other person any where. They did it with the Hausa Kanuri, the Yoruba in Ilorin, Zuru e.t.c. in the Northern part of the country despite their minority status.

My submission here is that, the herdsmen are in business of farming like any other farmer. Let them purchase their grazing land like cocoa or yam farmers would do anywhere. They should also be ready to comply with the norms of their host communities.

In conclusion, if the President, General Mohammed Buhari (Retd) wants us to believe his much touted statements that he belongs to all, let him treat this issue with fairness, and there would be peace.